I’ve been thinking a lot about conversations between people. About listening. About boundaries. I’ve had quite strong experiences where I’ve been left shaken, annoyed, confused, disorientated, in tears by what people have chosen to tell me. I’ve found out I’m quite sensitive with a big imagination so can’t handle too much drama or offloading. I take the original story they tell me and blow it up into something even more emotional and profound than it may have been originally. Then, the other person goes off having told me something massive and I’m left with their story and can’t let it go. I’ve told my mum not to tell me anything stressful she’s going through because I won’t be able to fix it. I don’t mean to sound callous and understand people need to talk, it’s just that throughout my life people have come to me because I’m a good listener. They don’t change their ways because of what I tell them, they just want to feel better about themselves by talking it out. And that’s fine. It’s good to talk…to the right person. In some cases a professional. But instead of telling them this, I’ve listened and been the good Samaritan and it gets me into emotional trouble. I have no boundaries about what I take on. It’s a kind of neurosis I think. Thinking about things too much and feeling them as if I were there. It comes in images usually. Not always pleasant on ones. It has meant that I’ve distanced myself from friends over the years because I don’t know how to tell them that I can’t always listen to them. It should be easy, to say what I feel but in the past it hasn’t been. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I should be able to tell people that what they say can make me feel real bad. Strange that it hasn’t been easy to do this. Immaturity I suppose. Recently it has happened with acquaintances too (people I house-sit for) and it still catches me out and I think ‘buggar, gonna have to get that out my system now’. I try and jump in with a ‘sorry I don’t think I want to hear this’ though sometimes it feels impolite. This means that these days, I try to only say things worth saying. I try not to talk about negative situations that have happened to me. My struggles and strains. Everyone’s dealing with their own shit. They don’t need mine as well. I want to surround myself with inspiring people who are light on the ear and happy in the heart. Hopefully with this self-discovery and self-knowledge I can welcome people in.