Day 9. Dance time. Big shifts today. I noticed how my left leg never wants to lead because it’s been on the weaker side my whole life. It’s always second in command to my right leg which has dominated my body and walking patterns. Tonight I changed that and brought lefty centre stage. It pretty much freaked out and wobbled across the floor in an uncoordinated floppy way but began to feel stronger with each passing second. I didn’t give up and lose faith because I want my body to be stronger than it’s ever been before. I want to nurture myself.
Demi-pointe helped. Standing on tiptoes = my absolute nemesis. Tonight as I attempted to engage my calves (I don’t usually get much feeling down there) I explored the realm of the left side. Something important to explore because this one sided habit thing affects me daily. I’ve been unbalanced most of my life. I can literally fall over standing on the spot. Amazing right? Sometimes standing still can feel like a being on tightrope. I’ve got two different halves inside me, each with their own ideas and habits and I’m learning how to intertwine them.
During my dance, as I connected with both sides, my head span and I had ideas. Everything clicked into place. I thought about being in hospital so young and learning to walk. I thought about how everyone around must have given me so much praise for any movement I did - to encourage and help. I thought about how that would have made me feel. I would have wanted to please people and get praise. And I reflected that some people grow up with no notion that their body can’t do things. They’ve had complete freedom of movement from their fingertips to their toes. It makes me realise that my past trauma has encouraged me to seek assurance, praise and kind words too often from others and I’m no longer independent from their opinions. I can’t make decisions because I don’t believe or trust in myself fully. So I’m learning to flow inside my own body, with my own movements and my own mind. I’m learning to find my own strength and praise and coordination to move forward with confidence and freedom. For myself.
Fav song - Freak by Friction and Josh Barry. What passion you unleash. Beautiful.