I’ve been reflecting on my social media use and why it brings up feelings of annoyance and frustration. Instagram and Facebook are my demons. I’ve just deleted both apps from my phone and I’m cutting my posts/viewing time down to one day a week. I’ve got a diet for food, why not have a diet for social media? Once a week I have a cheat day where I can eat anything and everything, so I thought I’m only going to make social media available on that day too. No more mindless tapping and flicking on Instagram, barely concentrating on what I’m doing. This is about consciousness.

Recently I’ve had great feedback (on Facebook) from friends saying I should write a book, they would buy it, that I had an easy writing style. Then the next post I’d write, they wouldn’t even like it and I’d feel deflated. Why did I care so much? They have their own lives to lead. It wasn’t all about me. But I started to expect something. It felt like an addiction. What was going on with me?

I enjoyed the writing process, I adored it but then the moment a post didn’t receive attention, all that effort and love I’d put into the words fell away a little to be replaced with a strange disappointment. My body of work was growing but the feedback wasn’t. I felt out of control of my emotions and a tiny bit bitter. Wasn’t I good enough? What did they want out of me? I didn’t stop writing though. I just had to keep writing no matter what. And I knew I was better than all that psycho bullshit babble going on in my head. I just decided to stop posting so much on those two platforms. I felt they didn’t deserve my words and they’d be wasted.

I talked to Simon. He told me about studies linking likes on social media to the effects on brain chemistry. I was getting high on likes. I was drugged up one minute and depressed the next. I realised social media wasn’t a place to flow and engage long term, like on Microblog where real, deep, caring kindnesses and connections can be made. It was like I was in a washing machine of desperate desires and unhealthy emotions.

Damn those likes!! I don’t want them anymore. They mean nothing. They’re mindless. I’m after true encouragement, love and empathy. I’m not swimming against the tide of instant gratification anymore. Pictures and scrolling. Like, move on, repeat. Fuck off!!

I belong to myself and fly high into a place of eloquence (despite the swear words) and beautiful creativity. This is my blog, these are my words. I write for myself, then I write for you. Now I’m more relaxed and confident. I expect nothing. I am true to myself and need no-one’s approval. Alleluia.

I’ve found Instagram to be a great way to connect with awesome, upcoming djs and music producers. I’ve sent many an appreciative thank you message to tell them that their music has helped me become a graceful bellydancing diva. This is when it works for me. When I send out gratitude into the world.