Eventually I got braver and stronger and went to the local school. Mickleover Infant School. I got to see Nick’s willy in Mrs Gray’s class when she’d gone out the room. He showed the whole class would you believe! I had a bit of a thing with a boy called Michael Bingley too. He was a year older than me so I only sat near him in assembly. I’d get excited when he sat right behind me because he’d spend the whole assembly playing with my hair. Those were my first true feelings of love and lust. I used to flick it in his face to encourage him. What a minx. I knew what I wanted. Hair play right there. I think I had some early ASMR behaviour going on because I just loved it.
I’m pleased I could feel things like this after the incident with my grandfather a year earlier. Four years old. I’m in the kitchen. Mum’s upstairs doing grandma’s hair. I’m alone with him. He’s sitting on a chair, undoes his fly and pulls himself out. He touches me too. Not massively. I’m not raped or anything but I know I’m feeling awkward and have no idea what to do. I can’t move because I don’t know how to. I can’t remember much else. I must have told my mum at some point that day because I always told mum everything.
It’s a trauma that has been with me throughout my life. It’s hard to admit but my parents dealt with it in a strange way. I’ve stopped judging them now. I don’t feel as ashamed. It’s taken years. They did what they thought best. It’s how they dealt with it that has actually stayed with me more than the deed itself.
They consulted the doctor and the police and went to visit him. He was so sorry he said. He cried. Authorities said just forget it ever happened, I’ll forget over time and it’s ok for me to keep having a relationship with my grandparents. Just make sure I’m never left alone with him. I have no idea what happened at that first reintroduction but I could never wholly forget. Yes we got together and went round for tea, did normal things, always together, but when everyone left the room and I was there alone with him, I felt like prey again. My parents encouraged me not to tell anyone about what had happened but I had a big mouth and felt I needed to talk about it with my friends. Maybe I did it for attention.
He didn’t do anything strange again until I was about 13 and already having doubts about seeing him when they would visit. I was growing up and questioning things more and more. I was sitting in the kitchen (how fitting) watching TV. There was no one around. He walked passed me and bent down and kissed me on the lips. It was out of character. I froze again. No idea what to do. But then he left. After that time I stopped seeing him. I refused. I was confused by my parent’s behaviour - I was their darling little girl - why would they do this to me? I couldn’t begin to think about letting my own kids go through that. A line had been crossed and trust was gone. It made me feel like I wasn’t cared about. But they’re my parents and I knew they loved me so what could I do? I carried on keeping quiet until I was 17 and then the shit really hit the fan.