For whatever reason, since my teenage years, my mum has gained a habit. I tell her something amazing happening in my life, maybe sing her a song I’ve written, tell her about a holiday I’m going, or that I’m appearing on Micromonday podcast (😊) and she finds it’s impossible to react at all (other than negatively) to what I’ve said. After singing a song she’d tell me how my voice could be better, if I said I was going on holiday she’d talk about where she’d been and when I told her that I was appearing on the micromonday podcast she just ignored me completely and said she needed to talk to me about her problems. This happens in person or by text.
Now I’ve fought back over the years and questioned her motives. ‘I’ve just created a beautiful song mum, why are you picking at my delivery?’ and she would laugh a bit, embarrassed and say sorry. I guess she just wasn’t as passionate about the song as I was.
These days I ignore her behaviour, though still fall into the trap of trying to impress her now and again. It hurts when I’m not validated by the one person I thought had my back. She’s set in her ways. I don’t see her much. It’s ok. But, I was left with old, unresolved feelings again and I wasn’t even out of bed.
I got to thinking, I still see my mum as my ultimate ‘like’, the one like that I should get no matter what. But it hasn’t happened for a long time. I’m just kidding myself. She loves me in her own way, not in the way I want her to love me.
Then another idea came up - if i could set myself free from this rose tinted spectacled relationship I believe I have with her and get to a place where I don’t expect anything from her anymore, I would truly be my own person. She is my ultimate test in letting go.
As I lay there in bed pondering all this, reflecting on the pent up anger that still comes up sometimes after getting a text from her, I felt a power surging through me. A light. A shield. It felt like something was changing. It was time to say NO to all the old patterns of behaviour. I saw clearly how much reliance I was putting on somebody else validating my happiness.
This is who I am.
I AM AMAZING. I am full power. I am enough. I am enough. And if you want to, you can come along for the ride. But if you don’t, it’s ok. I can ride this rainbow unicorn to the stars all by myself 🦄