Tonight my mind exploded. Tonight, divine, ecstatic music nourished my soul. I sang my heart out. I sang to the Goddesses Radhe, Lakshmi, Durga and Kali. I asked for their help. I asked that they banish my fears, my anxieties, my pain and doubts. So I could fly free. Because that’s what it’s about for me. Flying above the storm clouds of my mind. Above my repression. Into golden sunlight.
I asked where my fears began. When I first started to doubt my truth. To doubt my voice. To feel nervous about speaking up and fearful of other people’s reactions. And the Goddesses showed me. As I sang, I retreated into my past. All of a sudden I was four years old again. Telling my mother that my grandfather had touched me. And I saw the cover up ensue. The hush hush of the situation. I never had a voice. I continued to see him. Throughout my whole childhood. They knew I was telling the truth, they believed me but they didn’t protect me. They failed me. Over and over. Mum, Dad - why did you let me see him again? Why was my voice not truly heard? The silence of it all was disgusting. The ignorance. The elephant in the room. I never got the chance to scream ‘how dare you’ at him. My voice, my sweet voice was suppressed. My truth vanquished. I grew up so confused. And I wept in that room tonight as the music swirled around me. I let go. My repressions bubbled out of me into a safe, warm space.
And that was the beginning of it all. Where I slowly suffocated myself from my truth. My feelings felt weak compared to others. I was frightened of the consequences of what I said. I felt pathetic. So unconfidence flourished. I put myself down psychologically and repressed my ideas. Other people felt more powerful.
Tonight as I sang I made a declaration to my younger self that I was here to protect her. I couldn’t back then, but from now on I’d do everything I could to protect her and myself from harm. I will do what I want, when want. I will say what I want, when I want. I will speak up even if people end up not liking me. I will not allow other people to abuse me. I am not here to be liked. I am here to speak my truth. I will not be walked over again.
Tonight I sang to the divine feminine. In the Hindu tradition, this time of year is a celebration to the many deities of the feminine. It’s called Navratri. I slayed my demons and began anew with the help of some powerful Goddesses. I healed my essence. I am stronger now. Yeah!
I have a voice. I am worthy. I am not afraid.