I felt vulnerable and insecure yesterday and couldn’t control my emotions. I was questioning my musical direction and feeling sorry for myself after a strange review came through to me. I was so sad that I even incorporated the experience into my dream. And the dream amplified my sorrow ten fold because I dreamt that more and more bad reviews were piling up. I felt like a ship lost at sea without her anchor. It was sad because I was loving my music one moment and then just because of someone’s opinion, all of a sudden I changed course and started questioning myself. Was I doing the right thing? Maybe I should make it like this so they’ll like it better. I was annoyed at them too - why even leave anything at all? Why not just think - this isn’t for me - and move on. Without a trace.
I felt judged. I didn’t like it. I tumbled into a big dramatic story which got me no-where, simply further into my own wallowing. I felt concerned that I could be derailed over something so small. One person’s opinion. Aarrgghh. I didn’t want to be that sensitive dammit. I wanted to be like Gandhi - “I WILL NOT LET ANYONE WALK THROUGH MY MIND WITH THEIR DITRY FEET.” and Elizabeth Gilbert - “If people don’t like what I’ve written, they can go write their own f@#king books.”
So after a long day of ups and downs I went to bed thinking - good or bad - those reviews aren’t any of my business. It made me feel peaceful knowing I was out of that game of ‘like’ desperation. I’m happy when people write lovely things about my music (“I never realized how beautiful the harp could be. Thank you.”) and it makes me feel positive to think people are getting something out of my creations but I can’t let my life be ruled by their ratings and reviews. It’s taken some time to realise this and during that time I’ve witnessed my mood shifting dangerously, according to someone else’s opinion. I wonder why I loose myself so quickly to others? I’m glad for this experience though, it’s put things into perspective and helped me evolve.
Now I see more clearly - I’m on my own journey of expansion and discovery. I’ve got to be authentic. After my harp pieces have been released - they fly away - to distant shores - and my part in their story is over. I don’t need to keep checking up on them. It makes me feel free from the burden of others.
So of course….today I’m a featured artist on the same platform I got stressed about yesterday. Here’s a song called Aurora. The universe has a funny sense of humour don’t you think?