With this newfound exploration of erotic feelings and admiration of the female form I hatched a plan to see more. I don’t know how I knew this but a friend at school’s dad used to read the Daily Sport, a smutty paper with lots of rude pictures. I decided that if I offered to recycle his newspapers I’d be able to see the naughty pictures in it. So began the clever ruse that Angela and I (because I roped her into it too) would collect newspapers from around the area (mainly his as all the others were boring normal papers) and do a good deed, taking them to the recycling bins at the shops. Back then there were no recycling collections. It was a great plan. And so I would sometimes be found looking at a fanny or a pair of boobies behind the back of the recycling bins. I did it a few times I suppose. It felt naughty and nice. It gave me a buzz.

I also fancied boys. My childhood crush was called Richard. He and his blond, floppy hair would walk home past my house each day after school. He also delivered the paper (those were exciting moments as he put it through the letter box). I was smitten. He wasn’t. I accepted that fact with a heavy heart. Those feelings lasted many years. My longest crush ever. I didn’t have a crush on a girl until I was at uni. I’m surprised it took me so long though because I thought willies were weird.

Sometimes people arrive back from their holidays fairly early in the morning. Tomorrow is one of those days so we’re getting the house ready.

Simon’s on vacuum duty. He had this to say.

S: I’ve been hoovering in the dark. It’s quite fun.

I like his style (he’s bare chested too 😉)

It seemed predestined for me to have early erotic experiences. I was looking for something to read and I went into dad’s office for a magazine. I never usually did this because they were all boring puzzle and crossword magazines as that was the publishing industry he worked in. I took a magazine lying on the floor, it had been there for weeks, and opened it. Luckily dad wasn’t in the room because the first thing I saw was a pair of boobs. It was a top shelf magazine. It was exciting. I felt naughty. I felt feelings that I hadn’t experienced before. After that it was a matter of time before I found every rude magazine under that desk. It was a fun secret for a while though it didn’t last long - I’m too damn honest for my own good and told mum. The next time I went looking they were all gone. Argh.

On another occasion I found a bright pink book in dad’s bookcase among the hundreds of other books (serendipity at work again) which was an extremely rude novella dad said (years later when I told him) was a book that soldiers used to read in the army. Dad was in the Korean war. An educated man, but still a man. If anyone’s interested it’s called My Life As a Flea and you can get it online as it was written such a long time ago (be warned, it’s ever so naughty).

Ecstatic face of dribbly love after daily scritch scrotches.

Delicious sights and smells this time of year. I’m drunk on flowers. Spring. Aston-Le-Walls, Oxfordshire, England.

It’s celebrate Douglas Adams day today. I’ve been meaning to post this hilarious story for a while. A true story, about Douglas and a packet of biscuits. Today seems like the perfect day to post it 😃 Love you Douglas. Thanks for all the fish. The Biscuit Saga

Day 15. Ended up incorporating a saucepan into my routine tonight. Quite heavy. I enjoyed the handle grip. Nice texture and girth. It became an extra weight useful for toning my arm muscles. Saucepan toning - coming to a gym near you! Heart rate was up many times tonight. Yes!

I’ve found that being in a state of flux is a healthy conduit in making my life better. Here’s an example. Up until last year, I was settled. In my house. In my job. I went to the same shops each week for the same food. Drove the same route to get to the same places. Settled, yes.

Too settled? Definitely.

I’d lost my mojo. Things trundled along just the same. I was ‘comfortable’ and as many a wise person would say, being too comfortable is a dangerous place to be. I’d lost my edge.

And then we (because this involved Simon too) made a big decision. To sell everything, travel the country and taste different places. Tasting is living. Seeing new places makes us see new things in ourselves.

So the conduit was the decision to move forward and have a new adventure, which opened my eyes to the fact that all the stuff I had (clothes, plants, things) were weighing me down and keeping me trapped. Letting go of most of those things helped me experience freedom in a new way. From possessions.

Now we’re on the move. Every 2 - 5 weeks. Each time we pack up our little car and move somewhere different and start living again. In a different space. In a different kitchen. Learning more lessons. Understanding ourselves a bit better. Our limits. Our controls. Our levels.

We ask more questions. We’re more practical.

What makes a good kitchen? Obviously how big the dance floor is (and how sharp the knives are).

Are kitchen islands a good idea? No they get in the way of the dance space 💃

Is it a good idea to have cats in the bedroom? Depends if they bring prey to your pillow. Depends if you want a good night’s sleep.

Where’s the best place to feed a cat? Outside or as far away from the living space as possible.

Why does everyone buy Felix cat food? No idea, it smells disgusting.

Do we really want a box in the house where cats shit? Absolutely not.

What kind of area can we live in? Countryside, city, suburbia, village, anywhere as long as we’re creating. Though we’re feeling the buzz of the city more and want to spend time right in the heart of it.

And so on.

With all this new knowledge comes adaptations in our behaviour. We’ve wanted to change our diet forever (we were total chocolate junkies) so this new transition made it possible to think differently. To really work towards being the best version of ourselves. And not weaken with old habits.

Low carb diet it is then. It’s going so well. The fat is just disappearing. It just takes time and willpower.

Having a child is another way of being in a state of flux. You have to be spontaneous and alert and the best version of yourself for them.

So change is good. Don’t be afraid. You never know where it might take you. Try it if you can. Say yes to everything new and find your mojo again.

For whatever reason, since my teenage years, my mum has gained a habit. I tell her something amazing happening in my life, maybe sing her a song I’ve written, tell her about a holiday I’m going, or that I’m appearing on Micromonday podcast (😊) and she finds it’s impossible to react at all (other than negatively) to what I’ve said. After singing a song she’d tell me how my voice could be better, if I said I was going on holiday she’d talk about where she’d been and when I told her that I was appearing on the micromonday podcast she just ignored me completely and said she needed to talk to me about her problems. This happens in person or by text.

Now I’ve fought back over the years and questioned her motives. ‘I’ve just created a beautiful song mum, why are you picking at my delivery?’ and she would laugh a bit, embarrassed and say sorry. I guess she just wasn’t as passionate about the song as I was.

These days I ignore her behaviour, though still fall into the trap of trying to impress her now and again. It hurts when I’m not validated by the one person I thought had my back. She’s set in her ways. I don’t see her much. It’s ok. But, I was left with old, unresolved feelings again and I wasn’t even out of bed.

I got to thinking, I still see my mum as my ultimate ‘like’, the one like that I should get no matter what. But it hasn’t happened for a long time. I’m just kidding myself. She loves me in her own way, not in the way I want her to love me.

Then another idea came up - if i could set myself free from this rose tinted spectacled relationship I believe I have with her and get to a place where I don’t expect anything from her anymore, I would truly be my own person. She is my ultimate test in letting go.

As I lay there in bed pondering all this, reflecting on the pent up anger that still comes up sometimes after getting a text from her, I felt a power surging through me. A light. A shield. It felt like something was changing. It was time to say NO to all the old patterns of behaviour. I saw clearly how much reliance I was putting on somebody else validating my happiness.

This is who I am.

I AM AMAZING. I am full power. I am enough. I am enough. And if you want to, you can come along for the ride. But if you don’t, it’s ok. I can ride this rainbow unicorn to the stars all by myself 🦄

It just so happens that next week we’re staying fairly close to London. It just so happens that Phantom of the Opera is in its 33rd year. It just so happens that I’ve bought tickets to see the show and I’m the happiest girl with the biggest smile on this bright, sunny day 😌🙃

Day 14. It’s amazing how little I sweat now dancing, compared with a few months ago. My body has stamina. I’ve earnt it, putting in the hours, making my heart beat fast. I have an abled (rather than a disabled) body. What a glorious concept. What a moment to celebrate in my life.

Is there something you use in the house which has revolutionised the way you do something? For me it’s the Oxo Crumb brush. I never knew how much I would enjoy using a crumb brush until I had one. It’s a much better experience than a hand or a cloth. It’s a kind of dinky pleasure. 😃

Loving the shape of catto’s nose and mouth. Full of curves and lines making the perfect little snout with which to snore out of.

I had a Nokia phone with buttons. The only delete key broke. My texts could get imaginative - I’d try to use every letter I typed. Sometimes this wouldn’t be possible (when I’d accidentally press the x or z key so there’d be a load of random letters at the end of the text.

I wrote and recorded this song. It conjures up feelings of a magical maternal presence for me. I imagined a tree with a lady sitting beneath it. There were jewels on its flowers, lit up, sparkling in the sun. Then this song came. Maybe out of the ether 😊🎶 Of light, Of Gold

Hands up who’s ever drunk fresh rain water out of a delciously scented rose? If you ever get the chance, have a go. It’s so aromatic and sweet and rosey! Like the best rose water you’ll ever taste. Just check for bugs before you start slurping 😃🕷🐞🐝

I’m more positive than negative. I like to see the best in situations, see the beauty. I really didn’t believe though, that I’d get to see this body of mine rise up out of oblivion (unhealthly choices) and begin to blossom. Now I’m a healthy bud. Soon I’ll be a shining flower.

Day 13. For any of you who don’t know - I’m on a 30 day belly dance challenge (a fairly relaxed one) which means I try to dance for at least an hour each day, usually to drum and base and I document my progress. I’ve come a long way from near disabled to dancing queen and I’m stronger than ever before. This is what happened tonight…

I felt like I entered another dimension of feeling in my body. I felt like my twisted foot lay flat on the floor with ease. I felt even and balanced and in alignment in all parts of me. I walked with poise and grace around the kitchen amazed at my elegance, amazed at the understanding now unfolding in my mind.

I thought about my time, so young, trapped in a frog plaster and cut off from moving my hips at all. For so long I had reduced connectivity between my hips and my brain. They were static things without any kind of movement happening to them. They missed out on vital conversations with each other and I’ve gone through life with a half hearted notion of what it’s like to have hips to walk with (usually my back would do all the work, with my legs dragging along - legs are heavy when you have no strength to hold them up). I’m only just beginning to understand what strong hips can do. This knowledge is like gold dust to me.

The more I connect to them now, the more my back gets a break. Gone is the huge curve in my spine. My butt is tight. My thighs engaged (I didn’t used to know what thighs felt like) and my abdominal muscles are taking over some jobs. I feel like overworked joints are getting a break. They’ve chivalrously done jobs which weren’t rightfully theirs, to get this body of mine walking though life. They had to adapt to my odd mechanics and help me move in whatever way they could.

That’s how amazing bodys are.

I’m learning how to walk again in a way which benefits my body rather than hinders it.

Belly dance has helped me hone particular muscle groups. Mainly the core ones. These are super helpful in making walking easier. Couple that with an awesome eclectic mix of incredible music, it’s no wonder my body is healing itself through happy vibes, love of the dance and sheer determination to make my body the best version it can be.

Never give up.

Fav track: Focus on the Love - Kasra.

I think you’re dreaming about little mice friends Squiggy, with a smile like that.

When I was young, I had a few experiences of being accidently exposed to sex. Once my friends and I were cycling past a fence with big gaps and I saw a bottom. Two bottoms actually. One on top of the other. A man and a lady seemed to be lying in the back garden naked. I saw his willy too. It was all rather fascinating and we spent some time acting as voyeurs to the scene at large. We even tried to get into the garden next door (for a different view) but the boy who lived there got suspicious and wouldn’t let us in. A few weeks later, I noticed the gaps in the fence weren’t so apparent (bummer). The couple had a baby boy that year. ‘I saw him being made’ I would say (not to them!).

Day 12. I can’t get over how light-footed I am. I’m flippin agile dude. No-one saw this coming 😃 But it’s here. Wooo! New strength detected in core. Well hello new strength - it’s fantastic to meet you! Welcome aboard this sparkling ship of determination and pazzaz. Let’s dance.

Oh my. Just agreed to look after this little birman monkey and his two other siblings. In October. Some months away but well worth the wait. Already excited. Those eyes. Apparently they prefer cuddles and brushes to food. Yippeeee😻😻😻

Forget-me-nots

Still snuggled.

Dear sweet Charlie. Fell fast asleep playing with Dave. Charlie likes licking catnip out of Dave ears. He must be having some far out dreams about now. What a lovely pink nose he has.