For whatever reason, since my teenage years, my mum has gained a habit. I tell her something amazing happening in my life, maybe sing her a song I’ve written, tell her about a holiday I’m going, or that I’m appearing on Micromonday podcast (😊) and she finds it’s impossible to react at all (other than negatively) to what I’ve said. After singing a song she’d tell me how my voice could be better, if I said I was going on holiday she’d talk about where she’d been and when I told her that I was appearing on the micromonday podcast she just ignored me completely and said she needed to talk to me about her problems. This happens in person or by text.

Now I’ve fought back over the years and questioned her motives. ‘I’ve just created a beautiful song mum, why are you picking at my delivery?’ and she would laugh a bit, embarrassed and say sorry. I guess she just wasn’t as passionate about the song as I was.

These days I ignore her behaviour, though still fall into the trap of trying to impress her now and again. It hurts when I’m not validated by the one person I thought had my back. She’s set in her ways. I don’t see her much. It’s ok. But, I was left with old, unresolved feelings again and I wasn’t even out of bed.

I got to thinking, I still see my mum as my ultimate ‘like’, the one like that I should get no matter what. But it hasn’t happened for a long time. I’m just kidding myself. She loves me in her own way, not in the way I want her to love me.

Then another idea came up - if i could set myself free from this rose tinted spectacled relationship I believe I have with her and get to a place where I don’t expect anything from her anymore, I would truly be my own person. She is my ultimate test in letting go.

As I lay there in bed pondering all this, reflecting on the pent up anger that still comes up sometimes after getting a text from her, I felt a power surging through me. A light. A shield. It felt like something was changing. It was time to say NO to all the old patterns of behaviour. I saw clearly how much reliance I was putting on somebody else validating my happiness.

This is who I am.

I AM AMAZING. I am full power. I am enough. I am enough. And if you want to, you can come along for the ride. But if you don’t, it’s ok. I can ride this rainbow unicorn to the stars all by myself 🦄

It just so happens that next week we’re staying fairly close to London. It just so happens that Phantom of the Opera is in its 33rd year. It just so happens that I’ve bought tickets to see the show and I’m the happiest girl with the biggest smile on this bright, sunny day 😌🙃

Day 14. It’s amazing how little I sweat now dancing, compared with a few months ago. My body has stamina. I’ve earnt it, putting in the hours, making my heart beat fast. I have an abled (rather than a disabled) body. What a glorious concept. What a moment to celebrate in my life.

Is there something you use in the house which has revolutionised the way you do something? For me it’s the Oxo Crumb brush. I never knew how much I would enjoy using a crumb brush until I had one. It’s a much better experience than a hand or a cloth. It’s a kind of dinky pleasure. 😃

Loving the shape of catto’s nose and mouth. Full of curves and lines making the perfect little snout with which to snore out of.

I had a Nokia phone with buttons. The only delete key broke. My texts could get imaginative - I’d try to use every letter I typed. Sometimes this wouldn’t be possible (when I’d accidentally press the x or z key so there’d be a load of random letters at the end of the text.

I wrote and recorded this song. It conjures up feelings of a magical maternal presence for me. I imagined a tree with a lady sitting beneath it. There were jewels on its flowers, lit up, sparkling in the sun. Then this song came. Maybe out of the ether 😊🎶 Of light, Of Gold

Hands up who’s ever drunk fresh rain water out of a delciously scented rose? If you ever get the chance, have a go. It’s so aromatic and sweet and rosey! Like the best rose water you’ll ever taste. Just check for bugs before you start slurping 😃🕷🐞🐝

I’m more positive than negative. I like to see the best in situations, see the beauty. I really didn’t believe though, that I’d get to see this body of mine rise up out of oblivion (unhealthly choices) and begin to blossom. Now I’m a healthy bud. Soon I’ll be a shining flower.

Day 13. For any of you who don’t know - I’m on a 30 day belly dance challenge (a fairly relaxed one) which means I try to dance for at least an hour each day, usually to drum and base and I document my progress. I’ve come a long way from near disabled to dancing queen and I’m stronger than ever before. This is what happened tonight…

I felt like I entered another dimension of feeling in my body. I felt like my twisted foot lay flat on the floor with ease. I felt even and balanced and in alignment in all parts of me. I walked with poise and grace around the kitchen amazed at my elegance, amazed at the understanding now unfolding in my mind.

I thought about my time, so young, trapped in a frog plaster and cut off from moving my hips at all. For so long I had reduced connectivity between my hips and my brain. They were static things without any kind of movement happening to them. They missed out on vital conversations with each other and I’ve gone through life with a half hearted notion of what it’s like to have hips to walk with (usually my back would do all the work, with my legs dragging along - legs are heavy when you have no strength to hold them up). I’m only just beginning to understand what strong hips can do. This knowledge is like gold dust to me.

The more I connect to them now, the more my back gets a break. Gone is the huge curve in my spine. My butt is tight. My thighs engaged (I didn’t used to know what thighs felt like) and my abdominal muscles are taking over some jobs. I feel like overworked joints are getting a break. They’ve chivalrously done jobs which weren’t rightfully theirs, to get this body of mine walking though life. They had to adapt to my odd mechanics and help me move in whatever way they could.

That’s how amazing bodys are.

I’m learning how to walk again in a way which benefits my body rather than hinders it.

Belly dance has helped me hone particular muscle groups. Mainly the core ones. These are super helpful in making walking easier. Couple that with an awesome eclectic mix of incredible music, it’s no wonder my body is healing itself through happy vibes, love of the dance and sheer determination to make my body the best version it can be.

Never give up.

Fav track: Focus on the Love - Kasra.

I think you’re dreaming about little mice friends Squiggy, with a smile like that.

When I was young, I had a few experiences of being accidently exposed to sex. Once my friends and I were cycling past a fence with big gaps and I saw a bottom. Two bottoms actually. One on top of the other. A man and a lady seemed to be lying in the back garden naked. I saw his willy too. It was all rather fascinating and we spent some time acting as voyeurs to the scene at large. We even tried to get into the garden next door (for a different view) but the boy who lived there got suspicious and wouldn’t let us in. A few weeks later, I noticed the gaps in the fence weren’t so apparent (bummer). The couple had a baby boy that year. ‘I saw him being made’ I would say (not to them!).

Day 12. I can’t get over how light-footed I am. I’m flippin agile dude. No-one saw this coming 😃 But it’s here. Wooo! New strength detected in core. Well hello new strength - it’s fantastic to meet you! Welcome aboard this sparkling ship of determination and pazzaz. Let’s dance.

Oh my. Just agreed to look after this little birman monkey and his two other siblings. In October. Some months away but well worth the wait. Already excited. Those eyes. Apparently they prefer cuddles and brushes to food. Yippeeee😻😻😻

Forget-me-nots

Still snuggled.

Dear sweet Charlie. Fell fast asleep playing with Dave. Charlie likes licking catnip out of Dave ears. He must be having some far out dreams about now. What a lovely pink nose he has.

Squiggy. Mid-stroke. Sound asleep one minute, on top of me the next. He likes a good scritch scrotch, twice a day for about 5 mins. He’s got soo much fur. He’s a dribbler. Droplets pool on his whiskers. He doesn’t like his paws being touched 😬 His best friend is called Charlie.

My parents were quite well to do. They had a neat garden and a nice drive so it was a surprise to me (later on in life) that they decided to park an old black rover car in the front garden and leave it there for years going rusty on public display. People walked past it everyday and Mrs King, the next door neighbour, had a few things to say about it. For us kids though, it became the best den in the world. A haven of fun for everyone allowed in. A haven of desire for everyone else. I got to choose. There was an aroma from the brown leather seats, crumbling, weathered and picked apart by small curious hands that is probably my favourite smell of all time. Rich, deep, complex and simple. Primal, cosy, oily, just right.

When people walked past our car we beeped the horn at them and hid below the window line. It was hilarious. An amazing steering wheel horn which eventually ran out of horn because we pushed it so many times. We grew up in that car. It knew all our games. All our secrets. It had secrets of its own too. In the boot…

We found a treasure trove of goodies when we opened it. One of those lovely silver twist handles with a smooth action. We could not believe our naughty luck. Inside lay hundreds of postcards. Not any old postcards though. Rude ones with boobs and bums on them. Seaside caricatures of ladies and men being cheeky with one another. They were great. We loved them so much we decided that everyone else needed to see them too. So we ran round the area throwing them into people’s gardens. Hundreds of them. I loved flinging them up high. They went further that way.

Don’t you just love Jeff Bridges? He’s been old to me ever since I was a kid. He’s truthful when he acts, with a great screen presence. He made me laugh so much tonight. He turned up as a Texan law man from the 1800s (RIPD). He was totally hilarious and looked younger than ever. 🍿

I love this wall. I love this light. I love all the birds. I love their songs. I love the green grass. I love the cream cat. I love how I’m standing in space. I love my feet balancing on the ground. I love my body. I love how it spins when I dance to Phantom of the Opera.

I spend almost every second of every day with this man. Simon. What a gorgeous hunk of a human being you are. Life is kinder and funnier with you in it.

While school was fun, home was even more so. By this time my house was full of animals. Four cats and three dogs after our original dog and cat got pregnant at the same time. I don’t know what mum was thinking. What a challenge for her. I loved the kittens and played endlessly with them. I found my soul sister in a little Siamese cat called Amy. We were best friends for her relatively short life. I could often be found skipping and singing round the house holding a long piece of string with a possé of cats and dogs chasing after me. They were good times. I was lucky to have so many animals siblings. It was wonderful.

I had human friends too. Angela was my best friend. We played out together though her mum let her stay up later than mine. Once she did a poo in the garden because she was locked out the house and her dog ate it. I was astounded and repulsed in equal measure. We laughed a lot about it and thought her dog was weird. I shouldn’t have been so surprised as my dogs liked eating cat poos from the litter tray and were always getting told off about it.

There were the two boys who lived next door. Paul and Richard. We’d play Lurkey (hide and see but where we’d run back to base to be in) ‘Lurkey Lurkey 1, 2, 3, Holly in!’ I’d call. British Bulldog, a dodging game and we loved a good water fight. It would be girls vs boys and we’d have the advantage of having Angela’s hose pipe. The boys didn’t mind getting wet. They’d stand in the hose getting drenched and we’d cackle with delight.

Squiggy Catto getting down with the vibes.

Brookfield Primary School was a new fresh school and looked like a gigantic bungalow. There was an old oak in the playing field where children collected acorns and made bird’s nests out of mown grass.

I was nearing 7, an honest girl who’d learnt to keep quiet in certain situations. Once a teacher sternly questioned the class about someone putting paper towels down the toilet (me) and asked for the child who did it to admit to it. Well obviously that wasn’t going to happen and I learnt how to be cunning.

Another telling off I had in the toilets was because someone grassed on me for using too much liquid hand soap. I’d enjoy pressing that button four or five times and watching the soap emerge all gooey. It made such a nice pool in my hand. Too much for some people’s liking. How boring they were. I just had a feeling that the girl was going to tell on me. What a b#@£h.

By the way, what is it with kids looking under/over toilet cubicles? They’re so nosey.

I’m reminded of a time when I was a teacher and I walked in on a couple of four year olds laughing merrily as they threw used toilet paper into each other’s cubicles. Kids 🙄

I liked being nice to the teacher and getting praise in return. I loved messing around with friends. I was banned from working in the library once (where there was no teacher so we could have lots of fun) for ripping Hayley Capewell’s exercise book though, for the record it wasn’t on purpose and I didn’t even know I’d done it. Miss Abdullah was a nice teacher who taught me to write a European 7 with a dash through and eventually, let me back in the library again.