I have dyscalculia. Of lyrics.

All my life I’ve never quite been able to hear words in songs. I hear about one in every six though it depends on the singer’s vocal style. Now I look back at some of the lyrics and I think, my goodness, I had no idea that’s what they were singing about.

A beautiful melodic song, so sweet in its delivery can turn out to have not particularly nice lyrics. Sometimes dark. Sometimes derogatory. Then I’m torn because now I know, do I really want to fill my brain with negative stuff? I’m still deciding what I think about a Radiohead song I’m covering. It hasn’t got the brightest of lyrics but the melody is what attracted me to it in the first place all those years ago. It’s such a beautiful lament.

Melodies and beats are the way I connect with songs primarily and then anything I understand past that is a bonus (or not). Maybe I’m like it because I mostly listened to classical music as a kid.

I only just found out that Miss Hannigan in the musical Annie had a bathtub full of illegal gin. I thought it was water 😂

I’ve been watching swallows fledge this morning. Mum and dad flew out first followed by a whole gang of chattering un-coordinated babies. They whizzed, swooped and exploded their way across the beautiful paddock; ducking and diving, circling and spinning. How exhilarating.

Hot-tub warmth + Sunshine = Happy Catto

Minds. What a minefield. One minute I’m dancing, minding my own sweet business, enjoying the beat. The next I’ve started some story in my head where I could spend ages thinking, reacting, stressing, comparing, wondering about past or future events. I get in a loop and keep circling back round. Basically I’m not present. I’m looking in the past and to the future and before I know it half an hour has gone by and I’ve spent that time living in my own dramatic soap opera.

So I’d like to protect my mind, from myself. I can cause all sorts of doubt in there if I choose because it’s up to me to choose what I focus on. I wouldn’t let another person go on and on at me, poking and prodding me with their negative demands and conversation. So why do I let my negative thoughts control my present state of mind?

I am powerful. I can alter my own mood. I can create massive amounts of joy, love and excitment through what I think. I can change my whole outlook depending on what I think. With my mind I’ve even managed to think things true and change reality.

Once, I was at a gig and a couple of people right behind me were drunk and chatting away during the songs. I was getting quite annoyed (in my head). They just couldn’t help but jabber on. My mind was spoiling it for me. I kept focussing on them talking rather than listening to the songs. My attention was split.

Then I had an idea. I was going to think about them leaving instead. Rather than focus on what they were doing. So I re-focussed my attention. I spent a moment imagining them going away. ‘Just leave. Move. Go.’ I thought. And the next moment one of them went to the bar to get a drink leaving the other one friendless and silent and me in peace enjoying my most favourite song of the set. That was pretty cool.

For me, it’s about recognising when thoughts aren’t serving me and replacing them with something helpful. Breathing techniques for example. Breathing really does centre me. It’s just remembering to breathe using longer breaths because they’re the most effective ones. They bring me back to myself so I can’t think about anything else. It’s so true that many of us have forgotten the power of our breath. Gratitude is another focus. Look how much beauty I have in my life! And remembering that everything’s ok and all I’m experiencing is a first world problem.

So here’s me saying I’m not going to think low thoughts. I’m not going to criticise myself or others. I’m going to see the best in people no matter how crazy they are. I’m going to see the best in myself. I’m going to see the beauty in all the weird and wonderful situations of life. I’m going to be grateful for eveything I have. I’m going to see the glass half full.

Here’s to feeling lighter.

One last intricate look at those shiny lush butts 😍

Here we go. I’m officially writing on my new spangley keyboard. It feels amaaaaazing. Like all the best buttons I’ve ever pressed rolled into one. Silver, smooth pressy things of joy ready to brighten up my fingers at every touch. Obviously got a catto on me too. Yay.

Oh gosh. It’s happening….

Having a dance. Catto style. The song - Zola Blood - Play Out. Smooth electro lounge funk. I feel cooler just listening to it 😎

Every morning I’m getting woken up by bellowing crows. The kind of crows that sound like they’ve been out all night getting drunk and chain-smoking. They stand outside my window cawing at the top of their voices in a husky, grating manner. One in particular is real gruff. In my dreams I feel like I’m being attacked by a velocirapter.

They messed around with the ornamental geese too. Sounded like tiles falling off the roof when they knocked them down the stairs. Sounded like they may have been taking pictures of them in compromising positions. Poor geese. They’ve only know a life of delicate respectful handling and then to get taken advantage of like that.

Crows = Absolute hooligans. (But I love them. Just not at 4:30am)

From tomorrow evening I’ll be writing everything on this little beauty. The keys are delightful to touch. I love a good button. I’ve got lots of smooth silver ones here. Yippeee. It’s touch screen too. That’ll come in handy seeing as I’m always touching non-touch screens 😃

Sometimes all you need to do is sit in a field full of buttercups.

Recently I panicked when I saw the cat about to throw up on the floor. I ran towards it like some sort of possessed person, ready to take it outside. Poor cat must have freaked right out. I ended up almost flying headlong across the kitchen. I survived and recovered (so did the cat) but it left me thinking, why did I rush and react like that? What’s the worst that could have happened if I took an extra moment to gather my thoughts?

I’ve had other incidences of panicking and rushing so I do know better. I fractured my foot rushing after a crystal I lost. Mostly I’ve learnt my lesson but sometimes a situation presents itself which pushes my reactive buttons once more and my brain flips out. Cats being sick is one of them.

I think in the past, overreactions from pivotal people in my childhood have made me a bit on edge. Rather than just saying ‘oh well, the cat made a mess, let’s clear it up’ there was more of ‘ohhhh nooooo, what have you done, on my nice clean carpet, it’s going to stain, blah blah blah’. The overreaction didn’t really match the deed. You own cats, you’re gonna have to clean up after them. Deal with it.

But deal with it how? That is up to me. And that is what I want to work on.

Over the years this feeling of panic has reared its head in the strangest of ways. I can panic about the silliest things. Like getting a phone call from someone I’d rather not talk to, getting beeped at by a another driver or watching someone pour too much maple syrup in their coffee. That’s weird right? (it could ruin a good cup of coffee though, but really?!).

How do I panic? I might do a little squeal which makes the other person jump for instance. My heart might beat faster. I might get a feeling of dread. I might get frightened for a second. I might drive faster or think less clearly. I might rush. Sometimes it would be useful being a bit less human.

What am I going to do to help myself? My aim is to keep remembering that I’m safe. That everything’s ok. I’m going to say it out loud. ‘I’M SAFE’. That carpets can be cleaned and crystals leave when they need to. That some drivers will always be idiots and some maple syrup pourers will always pour too much maple syrup into coffee. That everything will work out with or without my over-reactions. That I’m a better, more productive person when I embrace every situation (even the gross ones), whatever the outcome with the brightest of smiles and calmest of hearts.

Day 16. I love dancing more than walking. I explore muscles and postures in finer detail. I go deeper into nooks and crannies. Painful ones. I give my body the hugs and stretches it needs to let go even more and open like a flower. Thank you sun. Warming me. Embracing me. Yum.

Cat crush 😻🙃😻

My wings were big yesterday. Must have been all that love running through me.

Buzz the teddy bear cat is the most trusting I’ve met. His energy completely zens me out. I’m falling into a peaceful trance just looking at him. Ommmm. Zzzzzzz.

After-show after-glow. This is what you look like when you’ve consumed sublime angelic music for three hours and you’re integrating back into the real world again and remembering things like horns exist. And cars. And hustle. And bustle. And sunlight 😎

A beautiful thing happened to me whilst I was on the way to my seat. I was sitting in the upper circle and my row was down some very steep steps. The steps didn’t have a bannister and all of sudden it dawned on me how much of a problem this was. I always have the safety-net of a bannister nearby, even if I don’t use it. My legs were unsure, worried. They didn’t feel happy going down without something stable to hold onto. I’m getting stronger, but this felt too much. I fell down some stairs last year so there’s old trauma there on top of wobbly, unbalanced legs. Usually my companion helps me but we’d got to our seats at different times. I was on my own. But I wasn’t…

‘Madam, these stairs are very steep. May I help you down?’ a delightfully polite usher asked me. Life just got so much better, I thought. It was music to my ears. ‘Usually I go down one step first and then you follow’ he said. So I tried that and thought I can be stronger than this. I’m not that frail, I just need a bit of reassurance for my balance. ‘Let’s walk down together’ I said. And with that, I stood taller and more confidently and we walked down the steps in unison, arms linked, step by steep step, all the way to my seat.

I’m grateful for the small kindnesses of people. They don’t realise just how much difference they can make to another person’s life. They are, in those moments, guardian angels and it brings a passionate tear of gratitude to my eye to realise I met an angel today.

I loved Her Majesty’s Theatre. I wondered how many people had sat in there over the years. All the stories, history, dramas and laughs. All the songs and elation. I felt I was part of something magical. A kind of magic that makes your soul open up just a tiny bit more.

Moody, vibrant, beautiful London. You come alive in the sun with so many smiles. It was good to see you again. Thanks for having me. Until next time. Keep shining on.

Whenever I’m in London, Carpo in Piccadilly is on the agenda. Such vibrancy. Such tastiness. They do chocolate and nuts like no other with lots of free samples 😉 And let’s not forget about the freshly ground coffee I bought too. Aeropress at the ready. Here I go.

Jami Hilton. In London town. Love this groove 🎶

Oh gosh. I’m here. All my childhood dreams and memories are coming back. I’m dancing and smiling with them. I’m finally getting to experience the show that set my heart aflame with wonder and excitment all those years ago. The experience of The Phantom of the Opera ❤️

Day 15. Hips got plenty of action today. Belly dance moves felt glorious. The music was incredible. The song, T-1000 by Metrik was cosmic pump. I stood tall + strong. I popped with alignment. I powered on. Hello new body muscles. Welcome. Make yourself at home. Let’s dance.

The Prince. He sleeps.