A Seed of Becoming

Day 11. Words can’t begin to express how happy I am this evening. I went on an epic journey into my body and explored how I’m put together. I figured something out. Basically, that my ball and hip joints aren’t fully understanding where they’re supposed to be in relation to the rest of my body. They’re lost and need guidance. It’s like that area doesn’t exist in my mind. It’s never had to work before. My back has always taken up the job that my hips should be doing. What a revelation.

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Think I just made the best salad ever using microleaves - radish and mustard sprouts. With a drizzling of olive oil. I feel like I’m eating colourful rainbow magic of the earth.

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Damn Those Likes

I’ve been reflecting on my social media use and why it brings up feelings of annoyance and frustration. Instagram and Facebook are my demons. I’ve just deleted both apps from my phone and I’m cutting my posts/viewing time down to one day a week. I’ve got a diet for food, why not have a diet for social media? Once a week I have a cheat day where I can eat anything and everything, so I thought I’m only going to make social media available on that day too. No more mindless tapping and flicking on Instagram, barely concentrating on what I’m doing. This is about consciousness.

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Infant School and Family Secrets

Eventually I got braver and stronger and went to the local school. Mickleover Infant School. I got to see Nick’s willy in Mrs Gray’s class when she’d gone out the room. He showed the whole class would you believe! I had a bit of a thing with a boy called Michael Bingley too. He was a year older than me so I only sat near him in assembly. I’d get excited when he sat right behind me because he’d spend the whole assembly playing with my hair. Those were my first true feelings of love and lust. I used to flick it in his face to encourage him. What a minx. I knew what I wanted. Hair play right there. I think I had some early ASMR behaviour going on because I just loved it.

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Showgirl Moves

Day 10. Another lesson with my online teacher today. She’s so fab. Abdominal wall rolls are next level exhaustion. I’m trying to see myself as a bellydance queen rather than a pregnant dancing duck. Learnt a showgirl move - get me! Side hip lifts, pointed toes and graceful arm movements all at the same time. In front of the mirror there are certain moves I feel comfortable doing (I look kinda cool) and others where I’m like, oh god really?! What would you feel like if you saw your dance moves in a mirror? Have you got names for them?

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Went to see this little pixie last night. SOAK. Her voice is sweet. I’m entranced. She’s real, raw, honest and fun. Also, it felt rather cool to be in Oxford late at night rather than curled up in a comfy chair with a cocoa 😃 Everybody Loves You is a great song to listen to.

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Watch The Ball!

As I grew to the ripe old age of 3 I found out that walking was cool. I’d make my dad walk me up and down the garden again and again. I needed his arms to hold onto, I couldn’t do it alone. We’d play bat and ball and bless him for sticking with me - I know how tedious that might have been. He taught me how to catch. I can hear his words now ‘Watch the ball!’. It’s just what I said to children now if I’m teaching them too. Paying it forward.

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Toys from the 80s

I had a mixture of toys in the early years. The classic Doctor’s Kit and Fisher Price record player along with the doggie that got pulled along on wheels. One orange Care Bear, a blue My Little Pony, a sweet Snugglebum that lit up when you squeezed its tummy, a Poochie, a disco Barbie complete with high heels, permed hair and iluminous orange bracelet, a couple of Sindys, lots of clothes for them none of which seemed to fit.

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Dear friends, if you had 3 weeks free in October and wanted to make the most of the late Mediterranean sun and last minute swimming season, where would you go? I’m looking at a flight of 4 hours or less from the UK. Any suggestions would be fun to hear. I have a few ideas so far.

Tipping the Balance

Day 9. Dance time. Big shifts today. I noticed how my left leg never wants to lead because it’s been on the weaker side my whole life. It’s always second in command to my right leg which has dominated my body and walking patterns. Tonight I changed that and brought lefty centre stage. It pretty much freaked out and wobbled across the floor in an uncoordinated floppy way but began to feel stronger with each passing second. I didn’t give up and lose faith because I want my body to be stronger than it’s ever been before. I want to nurture myself.

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Bought an Aeropress today. Oh yum. Adiós weak filter coffee. Hello strong, powerful, smooth magical liquid from the Gods. Amen.

What a privilege. Squiggy on me. I’m a bit nervous of him, he’s a black panther after all with the biggest paws and sharpest claws. Mice don’t stand a chance, of which he regularly catches. I pity the mouse who comes across him. Wise and wild, calm and aloof. All cat this one.

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Charlie. Quite an odd little pickle. I could spend half the night letting him in and out if he got his own way. Last night he lounged in the middle of the lawn in the cold darkness. He’s got a bit of a vacant stare like he did too many drugs when he was a youngster.

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Baked Beans and Mrs Morley

I remember I didn’t like getting told off by teachers. Or being left by my mum in any way, shape or form. I was four when mum took me to Derby High School Kindergarten. I lasted a day. There was a small wooden climbing frame in the middle of the room, water and sand trays around the sides. Everything was fine when mum was there.

I loved playing in the home corner, using the pans to cook on the stove, putting the washing on (how stereotypical). I used to love the advert for the A la Carte kitchen toy (Cue kitchness - I thought it was pronounced Anna Kart and that girl was Anna 😃). She made real beans for her dad. I never understood how she could do that - like get the beans into that plastic saucepan. Where did they come from? I never got real beans, mine were just imaginary. I’m sure I wasn’t the only child to think like this. I never got the kitchen, it was only ever a beautiful fantasy.

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Yay for mums! What a rollercoaster of love you’re on. Strong, brilliant, full of unconditional love ❤️ I admire you. You’re wonderful. Here’s me and my mum. She’s full of eccentricities and craziness. I can go a bit nuts when she’s around. Patience calls me often. I love her.

Day 8. Back from an enforced break. I have the biggest dance floor ever. Kitchen. No island in the middle. No chairs. No table. Just space. I practised old moves, said hi to my stomach muscles again, swooshed. Learning to spin now. With grace. I’ll get back to you on that one 🤪

Being Born

When I was born I had a clicky hip. I spun round in the womb and tried to come out feet first. A caesarian section was necessary. Different from the very beginning, amazing I was born at all. Mum had five miscarriages before she had me.

I didn’t walk until I was two. In and out of hospital, confined to my legs being in a frog plaster to make my hip stable. I spent weeks lying on my back. It’s the position I feel happiest in even now. But during that time I was having my hips stretched outwards. It was called being ‘on traction’. Sometimes my legs were stretched so far apart that mum had to intervene because I cried and she couldn’t bear it.

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I love this man. Despite heavy rain, he sat reading his paper while droplets poured down. I was impressed and full of giggles in equal parts.